Fear and Anxiety
TW: Asthma, Hospitalization
Like many people, since COVID started, I have experienced a resurgence of fear and anxiety. I’ve done quite a bit of work around managing anxiety. About 2 1/2 years ago, I was hospitalized because of an asthma flare up. I was diagnosed as an adult and have used a variety of maintenance inhalers over the years. My breathing was under control and quite stable so I weaned myself off the maintenance inhaler and relied solely on my rescue inhaler for occasional flare ups. One day, I wasn’t feeling so great and went to bed early thinking I was coming down with a cold. Early the next morning I awoke and was struggling to breathe. I reached for my inhaler, took a puff and sat back. No relief. I took a second puff and rested again. The inhaler wasn’t touching it! This had never happened to me before. For over 20 years, I had never had my rescue inhaler fail me. (I now realize how fortunate I am).
I also have a history with anxiety and panic attacks. I tried as calmly as possible to get into a steaming hot shower with some essential oils to see if it would help. I gave it about 5 minutes and realized I was going to have to go to the ER. An ER visit, urgent care visit, and subsequent hospitalization later, I now know what it feels like to barely be able to breathe.
Once details started to come out about COVID, I had to work very hard not to be consumed, panicked, or homebound. I did not leave the house for the first 3 months of COVID. (Yes, I am very fortunate and privileged that I had a stable job that was already remote and a partner who was able to run the required errands). I had to limit my exposure to news and some social media lest I get frozen in fear. I now believe I had that episode two years ago to remind me how necessary it would be for me to be extra cautious. I live in a part of the state where there are still a fair amount of people crying that it’s a hoax and nobody will impinge upon their “freedom”. This brought on additional anxiety.
Today I received the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. I was even fearful to get the vaccine. There isn’t much data out there about how folks with asthma tolerate the vaccines. After much meditation, contemplation, n a nudge from Spirit, and a reminder notice from my Doctor’s office, I just decided to sign up and power through my fear. I’m not saying powering through is a good idea for everyone. I likely wouldn’t have been able to proceed if I hadn’t given myself the quiet space to process. I am glad the first shot is over and that I’m doing what I feel is in the best interest for the greater good.
